The Cult I Left Behind
Newly-ish married couple, Amanda and Kyle, discuss Amanda’s upbringing in the IBLP cult of Duggar infamy – a story Kyle learns about along with listeners. Through sometimes humorous, sometimes heartbreaking stories, Amanda and Kyle explore the cult’s ideology, the strange rules that surrounded Amanda’s childhood, and the abuse she endured before leaving the cult. Through it all, they talk about what it takes to break free from a cult and what gets left behind.
Episodes
91 episodes
88 - The Time Kyle Acquired the Fire: Shiny Happy People Season 2 Recap
We’re diving into Shiny Happy People Season 2 — and this time, Kyle’s the one with the inside scoop. While Amanda expected to lead the conversation, it turned out Kyle’s past experience at an Acquire the Fire event made this season
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Season 1
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Episode 88
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57:52
87 - Chantelle’s Story: From Shame and Control to Healing and Freedom
When Chantelle was sent to the cult Headquarters as an “encouragement case,” she encountered Bill Gothard’s inappropriate and abusive behavior toward teenage girls firsthand. She shares what it was like to grow up in IBLP and ATI, survive both ...
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Season 1
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Episode 87
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1:42:57
86 - Mother Wounds with Jessica Jocelyn (Part 2)
In the second half of our conversation with poet Jessica Jocelyn, we pick up where the shocking story of her mom left off. Jessica shares how poetry became a way to make sense of loss, love, and the wounds only a mother can leave behind. Togeth...
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Season 1
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Episode 86
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1:20:20
85 - Mother Wounds with Jessica Jocelyn (Part 1)
In Part 1 of this two-part conversation, we’re honored to welcome poet Jessica Jocelyn—whose writing has been a healing touchstone for Amanda and may already be familiar to listeners of the podcast.Jessica is a best-selling poet whose wo...
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Season 1
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Episode 85
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1:24:53
84 - Sometimes, You Get What You Want
Amanda has gotten a lot of questions about whether she would ever let anyone from her biological family back into her life.For a long time, the answer was no. But then something changed.It’s been a year and a half,...
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Season 1
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Episode 83
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29:23
83 - Dear Diary
Amanda reads from her childhood diaries—yes, actual entries from her cult years—and then melts through the floor in embarrassment. It’s awkward, vulnerable, and a surprisingly raw window into growing up homeschooled under fundamentalism.
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Season 1
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Episode 82
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45:59
82 - One Story, Two Journeys
Amanda opens this episode with some never-before-shared stories from her early experiences in therapy—including one that caught even Kyle off guard. From there, the mic turns, and Kyle shares what it was like to hear Amanda’s story for the firs...
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Season 1
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Episode 82
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41:51
81 - Losing Parents the Second Time
In a deeply personal episode, Amanda opens up about the circumstances that led to the end of her relationship with her adoptive parents. What started as a long-building tension came to a head when Amanda asked to be treated like a real daughter...
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Season 1
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Episode 81
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45:08
80 - Family Ended With Boundaries
Content warning: This episode includes discussion of sexual violence, including against children. When Amanda set boundaries with her bio family—and the brother who abused her—she expected it to be hard. But not like this. In...
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Season 1
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Episode 80
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1:14:07
79 - Mother’s Day, Mother Wounds
As The Cult I Left Behind listeners know, Mother’s Day isn’t a sappy Hallmark holiday for Amanda. In this episode, Amanda and Kyle talk about what the day brings up—not just for Amanda, but for anyone who experienced harm from their mothers. Am...
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Season 1
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Episode 79
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45:40
A Quick Update
Unfortunately there was a death in the family and we do not have an episode for this week. However, we have a short update about some interviews and an upcoming livestream. Stay tuned for more information.
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Season 1
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0:29
78 - Discipline Outside the Cult
In this companion to the earlier episode on discipline inside the cult, Amanda and Kyle shift their focus to what healthy, respectful discipline actually looks like. They reflect on what they’re learning in their adoption training classes and h...
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Season 1
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Episode 78
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46:24
77 - Unpacking the Past: Cults, Faith, and Family Truths
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle dive into listener questions about what made Amanda’s parents susceptible to joining the cult, how they became involved, how the cult accumulated massive assets, and whether Amanda’s rapist brother ever received...
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Season 1
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Episode 77
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33:56
76 - Finding Peace in Denmark: A Journey from High-Control to True Relaxation
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle share their transformative experience during a recent trip to Denmark, contrasting it with Amanda's upbringing in a high-pressure religious environment and subsequent military service. Amanda discusses how the s...
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Season 1
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Episode 76
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38:37
75 - How to Deconstruct
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle dive into the process of deconstruction—what it is, why it happens, and how it unfolds across different areas of life. From faith and identity to relationships and worldviews, they explore the key domains of dec...
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Season 1
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Episode 75
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44:22
74 - Big Changes, Listener Q&A, and Cult Realities
Some big life changes are on the horizon, and Amanda and Kyle share a bit about their next steps as a family. They also dive into listener questions, discussing the most effective therapy approaches Amanda has found, how the cult handled cases ...
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Season 1
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Episode 74
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25:26
73 - Growing Up in IBLP: A Male Survivor’s Perspective on Trauma and Healing
In this episode, we sit down with Nate, an IBLP/ATI cult survivor and trauma survivor, to unpack the deeply ingrained conditioning we experienced growing up in the cult. From childhood grooming and the loss of personal identity to the twisted t...
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Season 1
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Episode 73
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1:32:17
72 - Protecting Kids from Sexual Abuse: What Every Parent Should Know
When we think about keeping kids safe from predators, we often imagine dangers lurking in the shadows—but the reality is much harder to face. Most abuse is committed by people close to the family, making prevention both challenging and deeply p...
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Season 1
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Episode 72
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31:49
71 - Your Stories, Our Answers: Family Rejection, Advocacy, and Healing
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle tackle listener questions surrounding the impact of purity culture and sexual trauma. They dive into Sadia’s poignant voicemail, discussing how rigid purity culture affects perspectives on sex and consent, and d...
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55:41
70 - A Conversation with Cult Survivor and Author Daniella Mestyanek Young
What happens when you escape a world built on control, fear, and secrecy? How do you begin to heal after a life of indoctrination? This week, we're joined by Daniella Mestyanek Young, author, TEDx speaker, and cult survivor, to dive deep into t...
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Season 1
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Episode 70
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1:04:08
69 - Sex, Healing, and Breaking Generational Cycles
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle are joined by Marian, a sexual health and pleasure educator, for a powerful conversation about breaking cycles of shame and stigma. Marian shares her positive experience growing up in a family where vulnerabilit...
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Season 1
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Episode 69
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58:23
68 - Wrapping Up & Moving Forward
Amanda and Kyle reflect on an incredible year of connection and growth and share their heartfelt gratitude for the listeners who’ve supported the show. From messages and comments to thoughtful questions, your voices have made this journey meani...
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Season 1
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Episode 68
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11:39
67 - A Forced Apology
Amanda shares a pivotal moment from her childhood: being made to apologize to the person who raped her. She and Kyle discuss the circumstances that led to this event, the family and cult factors at play, and how the experience continues to affe...
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Season 1
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Episode 67
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31:24
66 - Defying Gravity and Cults
In this heartfelt and personal episode, Amanda opens up about the unexpected role the musical Wicked played in her journey of leaving the IBLP cult and rediscovering herself. From its powerful themes of challenging authority to embraci...
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Season 1
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Episode 66
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38:27
65 - Amanda's Post-Cult Dating Adventure
Amanda finally shares some of her dating history post-cult, pre-Kyle. Stories include the Taco Bell incident (Kyle's favorite), trad-wife-seeking encounters, insurance scammers, and that one time Amanda asked a guy out (see social media for the...
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Season 1
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Episode 65
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46:54